Door stops
They appear in our lives
multifaceted situations
shaped by the people and events
doorstops of a kind
offering us opportunity
to notice something new is
waiting just through the opening.
Like those little right-angle shaped pieces
of pine from our childhood;
they catch our notice there stuck
under the bottom edge
holding doors open
biding us “welcome come in”
and arouse our worries too.
Most of us have a raft of reasons not to journey there
through the door made open.
I have work to do
family commitments
tired
I’ll go later.... someday.
I have dreamed about these doorstops
a tricky matter
not the simple triangular shaped pieces of wood
from forests green
nor merely the opening to my future
hoped bright
but graffitied darkly
with the fears of my yesterdays.
They are etched with
the many good-byes of past moves
lost relationships that could have taught me
how to have “old friends”
scared by lost self-esteem
gnawed away by obesity.
The carving of my childhood
a testament to working so hard
a good boy
all to avoid feeling pain
and so I
am injured still
so easily.
December 2001
When I was a kid I came to believe that I was not good at anything. When I was 20 a supervisor at my job told me I was a “natural” and I remember not knowing what she meant, unable to figure out how she could be talking to me! It seems so sad that I have joked about this for so many years.
I have never felt really comfortable in my own skin, still don’t. I am always trying. Always considering how I look and sound,how I appear to others. What I lack, I cover up with good work.
What about fun, playing,relaxation? I appear to play, to have fun and to laugh, but these things are chores too much of the time.I never had enough fun. I never really got good at it. Now, when I have fun, it leaves me feeling uncomfortable. It's not that I am not faking it. Having fun just feels fake.
A few years ago the above poem transformed to this:
Doorstop
A doorstop trying to be new
a message of hope and opportunity
still reminds me
too much
the stops of my youth.
They hold open
my successful path
career and role of a hard worker.
Quietly marking the entrance to the playground
so hard and black
like the child then
I face the challenge
perform or just be there
good enough
the choice that is my life.
No wonder I dream of a doorstop
on which I am frantically writing
my report to my teacher
hoping I learned my lesson.
And I wake
to write these words on
paper freely knowing
I am still on the path
waiting to see what
comes next.
So, if could change one thing in my life, it would been to have had the kind of childhood that would have allowed and even encouraged me to play more, have more fun and really laugh out loud. I wish I could just do it now, instead of having to try so hard. It is nobody's fault, really. I am glad for my life. I just wish sometimes that I would have learned how to do this “joy” thing when I was young, so it wasn’t so hard now.
On the positive side, my childhood shaped me into becoming better and stronger person I am today. I learned how to focus on attaining the many goals that have lead to my success. My training in social work and my experience with knowing many who have grown up in poverty as I did, allowed me to recognize that it has been more than luck that has lead to my success in life. Learning to put work as a priority has served me well. If I hadn't had the kind of childhood I did, would I have been as effective a clinician as I now am? Would I have been so goal oriented? I don't know.
Bob
February 2014